EDIT! I found my old blog which is just BipolarDramaQueen.Wordpress.com So I am transferring this over Right now.
Today is Febuary 24th 2016
Mood: Lonely, Sad, Overwhelmed
I created this, as I have created a blog like this before and deleted it because I want somehwere to keep track of how I feel at different parts of the year. So I imagine that this will take two years. I hope I have the constitution to follow through with that. It’s been hard enough with my main blog which is just writing about the things I enjoy.
However, it occured to me that after writing a 17 page long, hand written letter to somene who I consider one of my very last friends that I do have a lot to say, just no one to really say them to. I watched a documentary last night about some bipolar people and how they have gotten on after 10 years and many of them were much better, and a lot of it had to do with coming forward. I suppose that might be a little bit too late for me. I am not sure. I am definitely not here for viral fame. I think this just might be something my therapist and I will look at, but hey you never know.
The last two nights I have slept better than I have in weeks, but damn I am so tired. I forgot to make a follow up appointment with my psychiatrist and I am about to run out of one of my meds that needs a written prescription so now, in a few, i’ve got to do the squeeze me in routine.
My room has turned into an unequival disaster area. I feel like Godzilla, I knock over something everytime I try to do something… Anything… It’s very difficult to keep tidy and do art. It’s very hard to be 36 and a half years old and stuck living in your parents house. I’m happy to have my own bathroom and walk in closet and own entrance but most of my family doesn’t even talk to me anymore. Is it possible to feel so isolated in a house you share with three other people? One of them being your 17 year old son?
It seems that when I am out there, and they want to talk they go and shut doors. I don’t know what to do. I was supposed to hear from the people in Vancouver by now about going down there for 8 months to finish a certificate in making documentaries and I haven’t. I was the first one the apply in September and I pretty much was assured a spot except for the interview part which I was told would be taking place in February. My law suit hasn’t even been filed against SFUAD for the injury I got there, that landed me here (Tore my ACl/PCL/MCL all at once walking into the Cafeteria on a sidewalk that was coated with nothing but clear ice, no salt or anything. A cafeteria with one way in and one way out.) This injury that a year later, I still hurt from, I still can’t go down on my knees from. This injury that has kept me from work, I had to drop out of school. Everything seems like such a waste.
I know that many people would not think that 36 is so old to be contemplating what is it all for but seriously what is it all for? I find myself trying to live for something that is slipping away. Ideas that are no longer there, no longer viable. This is not to say I am going to go slit my writs or anyting, so don’t worry. I just don’t feel very strong lately, and I don’t have any support. So I have been crying an awful lot the last two days (which I have to do in my room because my mom cannot stand people who cry)
What happend to my life? I wish I never moved back here from California, worst decision of all time. What can I do? Well I do have one thing I am doing that I am doing out of love and that is working on a class out the Smithsonian about The Rise and History of Superheros there two tracks one about the history and the other is creative and I am creating my own superhero and that is bringing me a lot of joy thinking about. I have to start making some photos about her weapons and weaknesses. What her purpose is. I’ll get a shiney paper certificate with Stan Lee’s signature woohoo and so far I have perfect scores. And that is what I should be doing, right now.